Seeking to be Understood

This week’s QUOTE FOR STRESS comes from John Gray.

“A woman under stress is not immediately concerned with finding solutions to her problems but rather seeks relief by expressing herself and being understood.”

Often the best imaginable advice is no advice at all! There are so many times when we just want to be heard. We really don’t want any fix-it-up advice, however well-meaning it might be. Our communication can be on an emotional level or on a task or problem solving level. The person listening needs to discern where the other person is coming from before deciding how to respond.  When someone is ranting off about their problems, they’re coming from an emotional frame of reference so it’s really unlikely that they’re wanting your advice! Don’t just presume they want a solution, even if you strongly believe you know what they should do. Give advice if its asked for. If in doubt, ask the other person if they would like you to give them a possible solution. Don’t be surprised, or offended, if they say no! It is not a ‘problem’ for which they are seeking an answer.

Coming from an ’emotional’ side, the person first needs to be met with empathy, their emotions need to be heard. So instead of giving solutions, try to work out what emotion the person is feeling and then respond to that. So words like, ‘I can hear how frustrated/ angry/ disappointed that made you feel is far more helpful than any advice. In fact ‘naming’ the emotion without giving any advice at all will be the best help you could possibly give! The person can then move on and work out the solution to the problem themselves!! Try to hold back on fixing up other peoples problems. The only message that really come across is that you don’t think they know how to live their lives.

Is the person seeking advice, or just wanting their emotions to be heard? To be loving, answer this question before pouring out your advice!

Enemy outposts!

This week’s QUOTE FOR STRESS

“It’s hard to fight an enemy who has outposts in your head.” Sally Kempton

During war, enemy planes can be expected to fly overhead but no country in their right mind would give landing rights to an enemy plane. That would be plain stupid! But isn’t that what we do much of the time. When a person is battling with stress, battling with burnout, enemy thoughts are flying around shouting “you’re stupid, you’re worthless, you’re guilty, you’re unlovable”. And as each enemy thought attacks, we give it landing rights when we accept and believe these thoughts to represent the truth. These enemy thoughts then establish themselves in our minds. They set up ‘outposts in our heads’, waiting to attack, very efficiently, from behind the front-lines! Having been given landing rights, we no longer recognize them as the enemy.

The trick is to not to give these enemy thoughts landing rights in the first place. When these negative enemy thoughts enter your head, tell them what to do! Give them marching orders and never, ever believe that you are stupid or useless. It is just the stress that is causing your thinking to go a bit hay-wire!

For a very interesting perspective about this subject from a Christian point, known as the Battle of the Mind of view please click here. This will take you to another one of my sites.

Stress – A Bad Idea!

This week’s QUOTE FOR STRESS comes from Frederick Saunders.

“Brain cells create ideas. Stress kills brain cells. Stress is not a good idea.”

When one looks at the brain and all its capabilities, one cannot but stand in awe and admiration! And the brain also has a warning system to tell us to change some of the unhelpful things we do.  There are chemicals in the brain that are used for thinking. Stress causes these chemicals to get used up, to become depleted and the brain gets sick. Yes, the brain can get sick, just like any other organ in the body. This illness caused by stress is called depression or burnout.

After a stressful event, the brain needs time to recover. Relaxation, or chilling out allows the brain chemicals to return to their normal levels. Sometimes this is not possible and the person needs medical treatment for depression. A typical characteristic of depression is uncharacteristic negative talk.

“Stress is not a good idea”  says Saunders. I couldn’t agree more! The solution is to learn how to handle stress in a different way. For more about stress take a look at my other site, Overcoming Depression. This gives much more information about the effects of stress and how to handle stress.

 

Self-fulfilling prophecy!

 

This weeks quote for stress comes from Mahatma Gandhi.

“A man is but the product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes.”

Let me start with a bit about Mahatma Gandhi – He was born on the 2 October 1869 and died on the 30 January 1948. This peace-loving man was tragically assasinated by shooting. He led India to independence and inspired movements for civil rights and freedom all over the world. In India he is called Bapu, which means Father and he is officially honored as the Father of the Nation.

Let’s take a moment to think more about this quote. What we do and how we behave has to match up with what we believe about ourselves, what we think. We make our beliefs come true, because we behave in a way that matches what we believe.  It cannot work in any other way.

Let me give an example. A person goes for a job interview, but basically the person has the belief that he is not really any good. How is that person going to come across in the interview? Probably apologetic and displaying a lack of confidence. The end result? He’ll more than likely not get the job. On the other hand, a person who believes in himself, has confidence in his abilities is far more likely to present himself well and get the job.

What we believe about ourselves has to come true because we have to be congruent, our behavior has to match our beliefs. So, whatever you are going to do, go for a job interview or even go on a date, look at what you believe about yourself. If you don’t like what you discover, you can then change those inner beliefs and go out acting with confidence!

Appreciation!

THIS WEEK’S QUOTE FOR STRESS:

“Appreciating each other is a true family value, one that will bail out much of the stress on the planet and help strengthen the universal bond all people have.” Sara Paddison

Isn’t it true that we all like to be appreciated. When someone appreciates what I’ve done, it certainly motivates me to go the extra mile in a relationship. Relationships are marked by something called mutuality. I feed good things into your life and you do the same for me. Stephen Covey in his book “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”, refers to this as the ’emotional bank account’. You first have to make deposits into the other person’s emotional bank account before you can make any withdrawals. Withdrawals are times when you are thoughtless or lacking in appreciation towards that person. You can only get away with this if you’ve made enough deposits of good-will, loving actions and appreciation.

What a change we could make in this beautiful planet of ours if we start looking out for the good in people, rather than just focusing on the negative. What a wonderful universal bond this will create in our world!