Category: Listening

Unsolicited Advice

 

This week’s QUOTE FOR STRESS

“To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn’t know what to do or that he can’t do it on his own.” John Gray

Have you been in a situation where you’re just telling a friend how you’re feeling and their reply is full of advice about what you should do. I know I have and end up thinking there’s no point in sharing my feelings to that person again because they haven’t heard me properly.

Our communication is often bad because we really have no idea how to listen properly. When someone is sharing how they feel, they are NOT looking for advice, they are looking for empathy. Empathy is reflecting back to the person how they feel. That is how we feel truly heard. Empathy is what leads to deep inner healing. Being met with ‘fix-it-up’ advice can put a wedge in the relationship.

Even if someone has negative feelings, just let them be! We’re all allowed to have negative feelings at times. Feelings are just something that exist, they are neither good nor bad, but some people just cannot resist the ‘fix-it-up’ urge!

The problem is that when someone tries to fix us up and give us unsolicited solutions, we’re effectively being told that we don’t know how to run our lives and the other person knows better! How’s that for arrogance!

Try and resist the urge to hand out unsolicited advice. If this is really difficult, at least ask the other person first if they would like your opinion. Give them the choice of saying no. Often an attentive, listening ear is all that is needed for the person to then work out their own solutions.

Dealing with insults!

 This week’s QUOTE FOR STRESS

“A wise man is superior to any insults which can be put upon him, and the best reply to unseemly behavior is patience and moderation.” Moliere

Nobody likes to be insulted or criticized and our immediate reaction is often to throw insults back again. But this can really make matters so much worse. It can lead to open warfare, ‘guns-a-blazing!’ When we defend ourselves it is usually our self-esteem that we are defending even if what the other person is saying has some truth in it! Think about it

  • Do you agree that we all have a right to express how we feel? Tell yourself that the person insulting you is just expressing their feelings. It actually has  nothing to do with your self-esteem. Rise above the insults and listen.
  • The person is obviously upset about something. Try to find some grain of truth in what they are saying.
  • Hear the person out without defending yourself.
  • Don’t retaliate or defend yourself. Respect the person for having had the guts to actually face you with what has upset them. You can even thank them for pointing out whatever it is and that you will give it some thought.

As you respectfully listen, the person insulting you will gradually run out of steam and will probably thank you for listening to them and respect you for the manner in which you handled the matter. From personal experience, I know it works. Give it a try!

Seeking to be Understood

This week’s QUOTE FOR STRESS comes from John Gray.

“A woman under stress is not immediately concerned with finding solutions to her problems but rather seeks relief by expressing herself and being understood.”

Often the best imaginable advice is no advice at all! There are so many times when we just want to be heard. We really don’t want any fix-it-up advice, however well-meaning it might be. Our communication can be on an emotional level or on a task or problem solving level. The person listening needs to discern where the other person is coming from before deciding how to respond.  When someone is ranting off about their problems, they’re coming from an emotional frame of reference so it’s really unlikely that they’re wanting your advice! Don’t just presume they want a solution, even if you strongly believe you know what they should do. Give advice if its asked for. If in doubt, ask the other person if they would like you to give them a possible solution. Don’t be surprised, or offended, if they say no! It is not a ‘problem’ for which they are seeking an answer.

Coming from an ’emotional’ side, the person first needs to be met with empathy, their emotions need to be heard. So instead of giving solutions, try to work out what emotion the person is feeling and then respond to that. So words like, ‘I can hear how frustrated/ angry/ disappointed that made you feel is far more helpful than any advice. In fact ‘naming’ the emotion without giving any advice at all will be the best help you could possibly give! The person can then move on and work out the solution to the problem themselves!! Try to hold back on fixing up other peoples problems. The only message that really come across is that you don’t think they know how to live their lives.

Is the person seeking advice, or just wanting their emotions to be heard? To be loving, answer this question before pouring out your advice!