Tag: advice

Forfeit your soul?

This week’s QUOTE FOR STRESS:

“What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?” Mark 8:36

Actually being on that treadmill to worldly success can be extremely stressful. When you think you’ve finally arrived, the goal-posts change and that striving actually never stops. This is what stress and burnout are made of.

The other day I read a book review of NW by Zadie Smith (Time Magazine September 10, 2012, page 47) which gave a ‘secular’ take on this verse. The theme of the book is about the perils of upward mobility.

“In an age of massive wealth disparity, people are increasingly defined by their wealth or lack thereof, and the gulfs between them become correspondingly massive. They’re constantly urged to climb ladders, but having climbed them they discover that they’ve left irreplaceable parts of themselves behind.  As Natalie (the main character) says of a contemporary who burned out, ‘She had been asked to pass the entirety of herself through a hole that would accept only part.’ “

Natalie discovers that you can’t go from one world to another, and still be you.

“What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?” When we die, we can’t take our wealth with us. All we’ll have left is our soul so we better pay attention to our soul in this life-time!

Are you ‘an appeaser’?

This week’s QUOTE FOR STRESS

“An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.” Winston Churchill

The definition of ‘appease’ is to pacify or placate someone by acceding to their demands.

Appeasing others is extremely stressful as you’re constantly vigilante to the other person’s spoken and unspoken demands and desires. The stress involved will get you in the end. Depression is caused by stress so if you carry on appeasing the crocodile (of depression), it will gobble you up!

Appeasing others or people pleasing is usually an attempt to find acceptance and love. Each time you fall into the trap of appeasing others, visualize yourself feeding a crocodile!

Don’t mistake a crocodile’s immobility for inactivity, because that is how it gets its meals.

For more on the effects of being an appeaser click here.

 

Unsolicited Advice

 

This week’s QUOTE FOR STRESS

“To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn’t know what to do or that he can’t do it on his own.” John Gray

Have you been in a situation where you’re just telling a friend how you’re feeling and their reply is full of advice about what you should do. I know I have and end up thinking there’s no point in sharing my feelings to that person again because they haven’t heard me properly.

Our communication is often bad because we really have no idea how to listen properly. When someone is sharing how they feel, they are NOT looking for advice, they are looking for empathy. Empathy is reflecting back to the person how they feel. That is how we feel truly heard. Empathy is what leads to deep inner healing. Being met with ‘fix-it-up’ advice can put a wedge in the relationship.

Even if someone has negative feelings, just let them be! We’re all allowed to have negative feelings at times. Feelings are just something that exist, they are neither good nor bad, but some people just cannot resist the ‘fix-it-up’ urge!

The problem is that when someone tries to fix us up and give us unsolicited solutions, we’re effectively being told that we don’t know how to run our lives and the other person knows better! How’s that for arrogance!

Try and resist the urge to hand out unsolicited advice. If this is really difficult, at least ask the other person first if they would like your opinion. Give them the choice of saying no. Often an attentive, listening ear is all that is needed for the person to then work out their own solutions.

Our Attitude towards Life

This week’s QUOTE FOR STRESS:

“Our attitude towards life determines life’s attitude towards us.” Earl Nightingale

Earl Nightingale was a child who grew up during the Great Depression. He was hungry for knowledge and would frequent the Long Beach Public Library in California. He was searching for an answer to the question “How can a person, starting from scratch, who has no particular advantage in the world, reach the goals that he feels are important to him, and by so doing, make a major contribution to others?” Wanting to find an answer to this question is what spurred him on to become a world-wide acclaimed expert on success and how to become successful. In The Strangest Secret, Earl had found an answer to the question that had inspired him as a youth and, in turn, found a way to leave a lasting legacy for others.
The Strangest Secret is available in book form or CD from Amazon and this is how one reviewer describes The Strangest Secret (in the World): “If I was to recommend a single piece of audio for someone’s success, Earl Nightingale’s ‘The Strangest Secret in the World’ would be it. Just don’t leave it too long before you do what he suggests. Life’s too short to be wasted in unsuccessful frustration!”

Get Earl Nightingale’s The Strangest Secret at Amazon

Do Not Worry!

This week’s QUOTE FOR STRESS:

“Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?” These are the words of Jesus as recorded in Matthew 6:27.

Anxiety achieves nothing. It certainly cannot add even a little time to our life-span and is more likely to shorten it! We do all need food and shelter so work is necessary to get these things. Even birds have to spend a lot of energy in hunting or searching for their food (verse 26). Our Heavenly Father knows what we need and has provided for our needs. However, the things we need don’t just fall from the sky, but they are here to be found.  So don’t worry, it gets you nowhere. Rather re-channel your energy into making a plan to get what you need!

Seeking to be Understood

This week’s QUOTE FOR STRESS comes from John Gray.

“A woman under stress is not immediately concerned with finding solutions to her problems but rather seeks relief by expressing herself and being understood.”

Often the best imaginable advice is no advice at all! There are so many times when we just want to be heard. We really don’t want any fix-it-up advice, however well-meaning it might be. Our communication can be on an emotional level or on a task or problem solving level. The person listening needs to discern where the other person is coming from before deciding how to respond.  When someone is ranting off about their problems, they’re coming from an emotional frame of reference so it’s really unlikely that they’re wanting your advice! Don’t just presume they want a solution, even if you strongly believe you know what they should do. Give advice if its asked for. If in doubt, ask the other person if they would like you to give them a possible solution. Don’t be surprised, or offended, if they say no! It is not a ‘problem’ for which they are seeking an answer.

Coming from an ’emotional’ side, the person first needs to be met with empathy, their emotions need to be heard. So instead of giving solutions, try to work out what emotion the person is feeling and then respond to that. So words like, ‘I can hear how frustrated/ angry/ disappointed that made you feel is far more helpful than any advice. In fact ‘naming’ the emotion without giving any advice at all will be the best help you could possibly give! The person can then move on and work out the solution to the problem themselves!! Try to hold back on fixing up other peoples problems. The only message that really come across is that you don’t think they know how to live their lives.

Is the person seeking advice, or just wanting their emotions to be heard? To be loving, answer this question before pouring out your advice!