This week’s QUOTE FOR STRESS comes from John Gray.
“A woman under stress is not immediately concerned with finding solutions to her problems but rather seeks relief by expressing herself and being understood.”
Often the best imaginable advice is no advice at all! There are so many times when we just want to be heard. We really don’t want any fix-it-up advice, however well-meaning it might be. Our communication can be on an emotional level or on a task or problem solving level. The person listening needs to discern where the other person is coming from before deciding how to respond. When someone is ranting off about their problems, they’re coming from an emotional frame of reference so it’s really unlikely that they’re wanting your advice! Don’t just presume they want a solution, even if you strongly believe you know what they should do. Give advice if its asked for. If in doubt, ask the other person if they would like you to give them a possible solution. Don’t be surprised, or offended, if they say no! It is not a ‘problem’ for which they are seeking an answer.
Coming from an ’emotional’ side, the person first needs to be met with empathy, their emotions need to be heard. So instead of giving solutions, try to work out what emotion the person is feeling and then respond to that. So words like, ‘I can hear how frustrated/ angry/ disappointed that made you feel is far more helpful than any advice. In fact ‘naming’ the emotion without giving any advice at all will be the best help you could possibly give! The person can then move on and work out the solution to the problem themselves!! Try to hold back on fixing up other peoples problems. The only message that really come across is that you don’t think they know how to live their lives.
Is the person seeking advice, or just wanting their emotions to be heard? To be loving, answer this question before pouring out your advice!